I need to be alone. Alone with my thoughts and more importantly with my feelings.
I am alone at home sometimes but being home means that there are things to do. Chores that never end. My role as mother and soon-to-be-ex-wife means that there’s always cooking, cleaning, washing up, laundry. Always something. No time to just be.
I am alone when I go to my safe place, a coffee shop called Matthew’s Yard but I don’t feel free to feel while I’m there. I often feel inspired to write what I feel but I never just sit with those feelings.
Today I was in the shower and I felt a wave of mixed feelings take over me. I cried. Allowing the expression of these feelings. Not acting on them. Just feeling. Stepping out of the shower, crying my feelings, Baby Girl comes bounding into the bathroom full of joy. I quickly shake off the feelings so I can greet her dry eyed and match her joy.
I don’t deny her seeing emotion. She sees me crying. But I don’t want her to see all my tears. She’s seen enough pain. She’s felt and sensed enough of our negativity. There’s more to come.
So I just want to be alone. For a night and day. To feel. To be. To be free to feel and express. I don’t want to wallow or be pathetic. I just want to be! Am I asking for too much?
Thanks for reading x