How Did I Get Here?

My first love broke my heart when I was 17. “You’re too young. You should be with someone your own age.” Meaningless words because all I saw was him leaving me for a hot German woman. Not a girl, no, a woman.

I ended my next romance on the grounds that I was too young to have such strong feelings for anyone. I need to experience more. I should experience more. Well, you get what you ask for.

A couple of years later and I’ve fallen in love again. Little did I know what was happening with him and a distant relative of mine when I wasn’t around. She told me about it while it was still happening because it was bothering her so much. He’s always denied it. I believe her.

Then there was the one I married first. Insecurities built up and freshly wounded, I fell into the next relationship. The signs that it wasn’t for me were there. Fear cause me to ignore them. I even bought my own engagement ring for him to give to me. Then we were married. The sadness not entirely makes from the lens of the camera. Time revealed the truth and as quickly as a snap of the fingers, I left.

Then I ran. I ran from everyone and everything I knew. Even chopped off all my hair. The run was good though. I was able to break out of a shell.

A series of ‘relationships’ followed with unavailable men followed. Even an encounter I didn’t ask for and don’t speak of. Protect yourself at all costs. Much safer that way Always.

Until him. The Special One. No need to fear. No need to protect myself. I was protected.

Until now.

Protection mode on. Fear reinstalled. Rebooting the system.

The promise of love has been made. A promise of protection offered. But it’s too soon. Everything is too raw. I wonder if I’m to damaged. So now what?

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Thanks for reading x

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