As I sit speaking to one of his brothers, my heart shatters a little more as I let out some of the anger that just unexpectedly boiled up and spewed out of me.
You see, the problem is that I LOVE HIM. The problem is that I had hope and wanted to invest some more time in us but he’s been battling with his lack of feeling for so very long that it wouldn’t be fair on him especially when the outcome that I desired seemed unlikely to him. I’m left with very little option but to pack up and leave. Leave everything behind.
Sometimes I wonder if people were to know our story, would they think of me as pathetic or strong or just a caring human being. I still cook meals for us and pack his lunch. Pathetic? Caring? I’m going to go with caring. You see, I LOVE HIM. So I can’t be horrible. No, I probably can even though it’s not in my nature. I choose not to be horrible. I choose not to be nasty. I choose act towards him the way I would towards anyone I love because well, you know where this is going, I LOVE HIM.
I’ve entertained some thoughts though. But they mainly relate to her. Nothing dangerous, don’t worry. Nothing that will cause any physical harm. And nothing that I will act upon.
Home is where the heart breaks
I think about a little person’s heart. It may not break now because there’s a lack of understanding. One day though. I think it’ll break one day. No matter how we try to protect it and shelter it. One day she’ll ask. One day. And one day, no amount of words on a page or words spoken will protect her heart. So I must put the pieces of my heart back together and even though it will never be the same, at least I’ll be able to help her when it’s time.
Thanks for reading x