In My Head

These song lyrics by Clash came to me when I was sitting down to write.

Darling, you gotta let me know
Should I stay or should I go?
If you say that you are mine
I’ll be there till the end of time
So you gotta let me know
Should I stay or should I go?

Last night, while I was trying to sleep, it was Toni Braxton.

Love shoulda brought you, brought you home last night
You shoulda been with me, shoulda been right by my side
Baby, if you cared anything for me
Then love woulda brought you to me last night

Over and over and over.

I struggle even more now after reading the feelings that he cannot voice to me. I struggle with the thought that it would be so much simpler to just let go. Concede. Accept that this would be a battle and the outcome is bleak. Of course, the outcome is unknown. But through no lack of want on my part, it is bleak.

I struggle because if the outcome means that we part, then I want to be able to tell Baby Girl that mommy and daddy tried very hard but that in the end we decided not to stay together anymore. I want to tell her that we gave it everything we could. She senses so much. She asks if mommy’s also coming with her and daddy. If daddy’s coming with her and mommy. She senses my need for affection and so gives me impromptu hugs and kisses. She’s amazing and she helps me cope with the turbulent emotions that have become my every day.

I struggle with the feeling of being blinded by my own feelings, my own state of bliss that I didn’t recognise or maybe I ignored the signs that all was not well in our relationship. That, for The Special One, something was missing. He has me fooled though. I thought this was how it was supposed to be. Not the way it is now. The way it was then. He wrote a song about me/us once. He said…

You make me feel like I’m home

But something was missing and now, thanks to her, he knows exactly what it is.

And so I struggle. I struggle with whether I am hoping for a miracle. I struggle with being ready to let go. I struggle with knowing whether it’s ok to kiss his cheek because I crave the tenderness and affection that we shared so readily for our years together. I struggle when I sometimes forget what’s happening with us and bound over to kiss him goodbye and stop in my tracks when I remember. I struggle when I feel like our past is forgotten by him – when I feel like the last couple of years and especially the past few months have wiped away our entire history of being this amazing couple because now all he remembers is not feeling the way he wanted to feel.

I struggle with being enough and knowing that I wasn’t enough to start with – maybe enough for someone else but not for him. And while this may not be what he says, this is what I feel. This is what happens when someone you love tells you that they love you but may not have ever been in love with you. The questions for him come flooding in and I start questioning myself. So I have to use affirmations to get me through moments.

I am worthy.

I am enough.

I am beautiful.

I am loved.

I am enough.

I am enough.

I am enough.

I am enough.

I just paused while writing this post to read the promises we made at our wedding ceremony. So many hopes and dreams. Shattered. But, like the teapot in an episode of Baby Girl’s favourite show, Ben and Holly’s Little Kingdom, even something that is shattered can be put back together. It may look nothing like the original but it is treasured nonetheless and even more valued because of the effort, care and love that it took to put it back together.

So I’ll stay a bit longer and see what happens next. I want to

comfort him in life’s sorrow and pain, rejoice with him through good times –

and remain true to him for the rest of our lives together.

Thanks for reading x


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